Argento R.I.P.?

Now that the disgust is nice and juicy in my mind, I think I will start by analyzing the "Mother of Tears," by Dario Argento.

What the hell happened here? Did we miss something? Has the world of horror self-imploded already?

I honestly don't know where to start. Argento is supposed to be a legend. He is horror royalty. He made horror with such films as Suspiria. Then, splat. This one fell faster than a blue whale off the Empire State Building.

The terrible effects and poor choreography could be overlooked if the story were great. The woefully rampant inconsistencies could be easily forgotten with good suspense. Yikes, Argento! What happened? Perhaps it was something lost in translation. I hope.

For this entry, we'll look at a few of the inconsistencies and inaccuracies:

* 1,000 years ago three witches separated, one happened to go to New York. New York? It had to be for the shopping. I know Macy's is established, but I don't think it's 1,000 years old. Wow, even then people were killing to live in Manhattan. Did she come over with the Vikings? Leif Erikson, maybe?

* The movie begins with a priest sending a mysterious urn to an occult expert. Yet, the expert he's sending it to knows absolutely nothing of occult and believes only in *science.*

* The movie blurb specifically states the box is opened by the main character. Actually, a person she is working under opens the box.

What is even worse, Argento resorted to the hallmark of a horror amateur... Gratuity. It's enough to make the skin crawl itself. Yes, there are more breasts in this movie than in Animal House. Needless, senseless, boob shots everywhere. I think we've seen the human breast before. Some of us moved on. This movie is a shining promotion for implants of all types and sizes. There are monsters, cannibalism, demonic possession, naturally there are rape scenes, and every other cliched and backwards attempt to "shock" the viewer. Yeah. Right. Well, I certainly lost sleep over it, but not in the way I wanted.

Yes, there were babies and children killed. Another hallmark of sorry horror resorts to involving kids. This should be a taboo because it's just stupid, regardless of your *creative vision.* Who wants to see this? The majority of people feel that those who harm kids should simply be tortured for a long period of time before an equally long and agonizing death. Bada-bing. Problem solved and tax-payer funds saved for pork projects!

It's a sad, sad day in horror when this is applauded. I greatly wish I could have experienced an astounding film.